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Skunk grease.
When your chest got tight, skunk grease would loosen it up. That's what my grandmother always said. Just take some of this potent remedy and rub it on. Pretty soon you'll be healthy again.
Of course, you won't find skunk grease in most drug stores, but the concoction is simple to make. You just take the fat from several skunks (roadkill will do fine) and boil it into lard.
Before the boiled fat congeals, add about two tablespoons of the glandular secretions of an adult male skunk and stir well.
When the grease cools, you can store it in a jar or a salve can. It lasts for years and only gets better with age.
At the first sign of a cold, croup or whooping cough, rub a generous dose of skunk grease into the skin of the infected person's chest.
This treatment does two things. First, it helps the patient breathe. The skunk smell will penetrate the skin and into the lungs. The old people always said it would open up anything that could be opened up and anyone who has sniffed skunk grease will attest
to this fact.
Second, applying skunk grease to a patient's chest is virtually the same as placing that person in quarantine. Nobody will go near him or her for at least five or six days--maybe longer.
What other remedy can you find that will not only treat the symptoms but place a contagious person in isolation as well?
I have sent all this information to the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. If I get a positive reply, I am applying for a patent on skunk grease. You might soon see me on late-night TV pitching my aromatic remedy for all that ails a body.
Oh, I think skunk grease prevents baldness, too.
Now for a few baseball notes. With Barry Bonds hitting 73 home runs and Mark McGwire's record lasting only three years, is anything in baseball sacred anymore?
Babe Ruth's record (60) lasted from 1927 until 1961 and Roger Maris' record (61) remained intact from 1961 until 1998. And both seemed unreachable.
Now the sky's the limit. How many will Ken Griffey Jr. hit next year or Sammy Sosa the year after? When will we see 100 home runs in a single season?
Don't laugh. Who would have believed someone could hit 73?
Even with the juiced-up ball, you have to give Bonds credit. The man was incredible the final two weeks of the season.
He may not be well-liked by his peers, but he certainly has to be well-respected as a player.
My hat's off to him.
Despite all the home runs, the most exciting player in Major League Baseball this season was a singles hitter--Seattle's Ichiro Suzuki. Not since Pete Rose has anyone turned hitting into such an art.
What a player! He's so good he belongs in the National League.
WTBS does it to me every October.
The first night of the baseball playoffs the Superstation had two John Wayne movies playing opposite the Arizona-St. Louis game. On top of that, there were back-to-back Andy Griffith Shows on TV Land before the contest ended.
With all this culture on at once, how can a fellow choose?
Finally, why, after averaging fewer than 8,000 fans a game, aren't the Montreal Expos on their way to Northern Virginia?
Didn't Virginia learn anything from "Field of Dreams"? Build it and they will come!
Let's get a new baseball stadium in Stafford, Prince William or Loudoun counties and National League baseball will be here
in nothing flat. I will be the first person to buy a season ticket!
And, finally, it appears television now has its ultimate season of "Survivor. "
The only question is: How long will Osama bin Laden and the rest of his henchmen last?