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IS THE BUSH administration
already gearing up for its next
conflict--The War on Nakedness?
If so, it began last week when Attorney General John Ashcroft ordered the semi-nude statue of the Spirit of Justice covered with drapes that, according to an Associated Press story, cost American taxpayers some $8,000.
Miss Spirit is a 10- to 12-foot statue that was sculpted in the 1930s and sits in the Great Hall of the Department of Justice. She wears a toga and sits with a single breast exposed.
Ashcroft reportedly complained because he is often videotaped with the statue in the background and demanded that it be covered. I guess he figures the sight of an exposed breast on a background piece of art will shock the American public.
To tell you the truth, I've seen worse sights at an office party. In fact, there is a much more lewd picture in the front of my Bible, one of Adam and Eve where the mother of humanity is shown with both breasts exposed.
Are breasts that shocking to Ashcroft? After all, I routinely see bare breasts on the History, Learning and Discovery channels during prime time.
And the same cable systems that deliver C-SPAN also bring HBO and Cinemax into American homes. If the attorney general has an aversion to bare breasts, he had better not flip on some of those channels after 11 p.m.
I see bare-breasted statues on the Travel Channel all the time as tourists visit historic cities such as Rome and Athens. And the Metropolitan Museum of Art is loaded with bare-breasted paintings.
There is a painting of Venus with a single breast exposed in my 1960 World Book Encyclopedia, a reference volume that was printed back before sex was invented. In fact, that same edition calls Venus de Milo "a magnificent Greek statue."
Politicians of the past may have whacked off her arms, but they never fooled with Venus' breasts.
I have racked my brain trying to figure out why the Bush administration is so worried about a statue with a single breast exposed. After all, there are plenty of statues of cows down in Texas whose udders and teats are showing.
Maybe it has been discovered that Miss Spirit of Justice is in fact underage. She doesn't look very old. Could it be that she is younger than 18 and Ashcroft doesn't want to get caught up in a scandal?
Was she ever caught in the Oval Office with Bill Clinton? Is the attorney general covering the statue to hide some sort of stain?
Is he worried about public opinion because there is a statue of a man wearing only a loincloth next to Miss Justice?
Do such scenes conflict with the Bush administration's stand on family values? If so, how do we know for sure that the two statues aren't married? Has anyone checked?
Maybe this goes deeper than that. Maybe George W. has learned a thing or two from his father, who saw his approval rating drop dramatically after the Persian Gulf War. Maybe the president wants to keep another war up his sleeve just in case. When we finish in Afghanistan, will the War on Nakedness be next?
So don't be shocked if you are watching "Sex and the City" and a guy wearing a black suit and sunglasses rushes in and throws a drape over Kim Cattrall.
If you find all the bare breasts in your Biblical pictures blackened with magic markers, you'll know the FBI has been by when you were away.
And if you hear that someone has slipped into all the world's museums and chipped the breasts off naked statues, you'll know that The War on Nakedness is in full swing.
In case Ashcroft is really just embarrassed to be photographed in front of a bare-breasted statue, I can think of a much cheaper way to rectify the situation than paying $8,000 for drapes.
A smart attorney general would have just sent an FBI agent down to Wal-Mart and bought a $20 bra.
An attorney general of the United States should never be ashamed to be photographed in front of a statue of justice, no matter how she is dressed.
Nothing--not even statues--should be covered up in the government of a free society!
Richard Nixon discovered that.
DONNIE JOHNSTON covers the Culpeper area for The Free Lance-Star. Write him at The Free Lance-Star, 616 Amelia St., Fredericksburg, Va. 22401; or by fax at 540/373-8455.