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IN MY WORLD, there are two things that you don't mess around with--Western movies and baseball, not necessarily in that order.
I am still of the opinion that all Westerns should have been made (they don't make them anymore) in black and white--with the possible exception of John Wayne movies. Historians will tell you that there was no color in the Old West (except where John Wayne walked) and there are no color photographs from that period to prove it.
Then there is all that business about trying to make Western comedies. Humor in the Old West was as sparse as schoolmarms in a saloon, and producers who filmed those silly comedy Westerns should have been run out of town like mangy old suck-egg dogs.
The Old West was serious stuff and humor was limited to sidekicks like Gabby Hayes and Pat Buttram. Oh, Hopalong Cassidy, Gene Autry and Roy Rogers may have occasionally laughed, but they did so at the end of the movie after the bad guys had been hauled off to the hoosegow and good had triumphed over evil. A snicker just before kissing your horse and riding off into the sunset was acceptable. Anything more was sacrilegious.
Now that I have made it clear where I stand on Westerns, let's get on to baseball.
As far as I'm concerned there is only one major league that remains in existence--the National League. These guys play real baseball where the pitcher hits and strategy is involved. The American League with its designated-hitter rule is just there to give the National League somebody to play in the World Series.
Like Western movies, baseball is serious stuff, nothing to be fiddled with. It achieved perfection in the 1950s and any changes made after that decade have only aided in the game's deterioration.
If I don't like the designated- hitter rule, it should be evident how I feel about inter-league play. American is American and National is National and never the twain shall meet except in the World Series or the All-Star game.
Even then, guys from one league shouldn't like guys from the other league. This fraternizing before and after games is downright un-American, probably communist-inspired. I want to see guys from opposite teams and opposite leagues throw rocks at each other off the field and snarl at each other on the diamond.
That's real baseball.
I don't like to see umpires throw out every baseball that happens to hit the dirt. What's wrong with a scuffed-up ball? Are these wimpy modern players too good to play with a ball that has a scratch on it?
Oh, but a scuffed-up baseball might give the pitcher an advantage. Good grief! As long as the pitcher isn't using a wood rasp to doctor the ball or throwing a spitter that gets the umpire wet when the old apple hits the catcher's mitt, then I say leave well enough alone.
Why, nobody even knows how to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" correctly these days.
It is not "Take me out TO the crowd," it is "Take me out WITH the crowd."
Another line reads, "I don't care if I NEVER get back," but today fans bellow out, "I don't care if I EVER get back."
Absolutely incorrect and also probably communist-inspired! Pretty soon the league brass will want to change the three-syllable "crackerjacks" to the two-syllable "tacos" in an effort to speed up the seventh-inning stretch.
Folks, there are some things that true Americans just don't mess around with, and baseball and Western movies are two of them.
A third is the traditional Baptist church service. The communists may be sneaking in behind the pulpit here, too, but we'll talk about that later.
DONNIE JOHNSTON covers the Culpeper area for The Free Lance-Star. Write him at The Free Lance-Star, 616 Amelia St., Fredericksburg, Va. 22401; or by fax at 540/373-8455.