Janelle Frazier's friend Nerissa Hackman (inset) died in a car accident. Creating a spot in memory of her helps the church youth group remember their friend. msn

Joan Parnell lost her husband, Willie (inset), in 2002 and is still learning to work through her grief. The family has amended some of its holiday traditions to make coping with the loss easier. Parnell attended a support group for a while, and still sees some of the people she met there. msn

For those grieving the loss of loved ones, holidays are the toughest times

By CATHY DYSON

Date published: 12/5/2004

Janelle Frazier had the best time at her youth group's Christmas party last year.

Everybody hung out, talking and laughing. She and her friend Nerissa were side by side in the church youth center, sitting in the same spot on the same couch, as they'd always done.

But this year, Janelle is dreading the party because her friend won't be there.

Nerissa Hackman--known to everyone as "Ner"--died in a car crash on Feb. 6. The senior was one of three Colonial Forge High School students killed in two wrecks two weeks apart.

Janelle, 16, and other youth members of Regester Chapel United Methodist Church in Stafford County keep a reminder of Ner in their midst. They had a piece of fabric with her name on it sewn into her favorite couch so she'll always have a place at their gatherings.

But get-togethers aren't the same without Ner, Janelle said. She finds it tough to enjoy almost any big event without being reminded that her friend can't do the same.

"I was getting ready for homecoming this year, and I realized she's never going to another homecoming, she's never going to college," Janelle said. "Sometimes, when my dad is away at work, I'll see his empty place at the dinner table, but at least I know he's coming back. There'll always be an empty place at the Hackman table."

For Janelle and others grieving the loss of loved ones, this time of year is especially difficult, according to local grief counselors.

Holidays are billed as the happiest and most joyful occasions, when people count their blessings and savor all that's dear to them. But they also can be painful reminders for those who've lost spouses or parents, children or friends.

"You're thinking of all the things you and your loved one did and how your life has changed, said Joan Parnell, a Lake of the Woods resident whose husband died 21/2 years ago. "The holidays are the hardest because you realize it's never going to be the same."

People cope with loss in such different ways that grieving is as individual as fingerprints, said Lynn Shutts, who facilitates a bereavement support group in Orange County.

Some people are filled with resentment and anger. Others feel abandoned and overcome with sorrow. Still others have a combination of those feelings--and many more.

"Just about any emotion can crop up with grief," Shutts said.

But as unpredictable as grief can be, the one sure thing is that the holidays cause "a huge wave of emotion," according to Haven Herald, a Northern Virginia publication for the bereaved.

Date published: 12/5/2004