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Janelle Frazier's friend Nerissa Hackman (inset) died in a car accident. Creating a spot in memory of her helps the church youth group remember their friend.
Joan Parnell lost her husband, Willie (inset), in 2002 and is still learning to work through her grief. The family has amended some of its holiday traditions to make coping with the loss easier. Parnell attended a support group for a while, and still sees some of the people she met there.
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Janelle Frazier had the best time at her youth group's Christmas party last year.
Everybody hung out, talking and laughing. She and her friend Nerissa were side by side in the church youth center, sitting in the same spot on the same couch, as they'd always done.
But this year, Janelle is dreading the party because her friend won't be there.
Nerissa Hackman--known to everyone as "Ner"--died in a car crash on Feb. 6. The senior was one of three Colonial Forge High School students killed in two wrecks two weeks apart.
Janelle, 16, and other youth members of Regester Chapel United Methodist Church in Stafford County keep a reminder of Ner in their midst. They had a piece of fabric with her name on it sewn into her favorite couch so she'll always have a place at their gatherings.
But get-togethers aren't the same without Ner, Janelle said. She finds it tough to enjoy almost any big event without being reminded that her friend can't do the same.
"I was getting ready for homecoming this year, and I realized she's never going to another homecoming, she's never going to college," Janelle said. "Sometimes, when my dad is away at work, I'll see his empty place at the dinner table, but at least I know he's coming back. There'll always be an empty place at the Hackman table."
For Janelle and others grieving the loss of loved ones, this time of year is especially difficult, according to local grief counselors.
Holidays are billed as the happiest and most joyful occasions, when people count their blessings and savor all that's dear to them. But they also can be painful reminders for those who've lost spouses or parents, children or friends.
"You're thinking of all the things you and your loved one did and how your life has changed, said Joan Parnell, a Lake of the Woods resident whose husband died 21/2 years ago. "The holidays are the hardest because you realize it's never going to be the same."
'A huge wave of emotion'People cope with loss in such different ways that grieving is as individual as fingerprints, said Lynn Shutts, who facilitates a bereavement support group in Orange County.
Some people are filled with resentment and anger. Others feel abandoned and overcome with sorrow. Still others have a combination of those feelings--and many more.
"Just about any emotion can crop up with grief," Shutts said.
But as unpredictable as grief can be, the one sure thing is that the holidays cause "a huge wave of emotion," according to Haven Herald, a Northern Virginia publication for the bereaved.
November and December days can bring fresh memories of the loss, and the pain is experienced all over again. Emotions and even physical symptoms feel stronger. "Don't be surprised at the intensity of your grief. This is normal," according to the Haven Herald. "It is not a setback."
Teri Larsen leads a group for teenagers through Hospice Support Care in Fredericksburg. She tells those who have lost someone to be prepared to feel awful.
"It's going to be rough, you're going to go through hell, especially that first holiday," she said.
But people have to recognize that, just as grief takes many forms, those grieving heal at different rates. There's no set way to grieve, and there's no set length of time involved, said Sharon Simpson, the bereavement program coordinator at Hospice.
She advises people not to feel pressured by others to do things they're not ready to do. Widows should clean out their husbands' closets when they're good and ready, not when well-meaning friends say it's time.
Janelle, the teen who lost her friend, has experienced that herself. She's heard adults say she and others in the youth group need to "get over it" and move on with their young lives.
"To me, that's really bad advice, and adults just shove it down your throats," she said. "You don't want to get over it, you want to be able to talk through it."
Larsen tells families of grieving teens to listen and not lecture. Be prepared to hear the same story for the 10th time, she said, if that's what it takes to make the grieving person feel better.
And people shouldn't delude themselves into believing they have to be all smiles during the holidays, Shutts said. She encourages people to share their holiday memories, to talk about the scrawny tree Dad always cut down or the special stuffing Mom made--even if the conversations lead to tears.
"What better time to share the happy times and the memories?" she said. "All the love you have for that person--and that person had for you--will always be there."
'Why aren't you here?'The love is there, but the person isn't, and rarely is that loss more pronounced than when everyone gathers for the holidays.
Parnell, whose husband, Willie, died of cancer, knows the feeling well.
"When we all get together before dinner and have our prayer time, we know he's missing," she said. "But then the kids will get to doing something, and you go on."
She attended the monthly support group, GriefShare, led by Shutts at The Lake of the Woods Church. She started going in the summer of 2002, soon after her husband died. She and others watched videos, shared experiences and realized they weren't the only ones struggling with what Parnell calls the "scary" status of being a widow.
She doesn't attend group meetings anymore, but she and several "graduates" meet weekly for breakfast, go to concerts and dinner theaters, and have a good time in general. Her friends and family keep her going, along with her strong faith.
But that doesn't mean she doesn't miss Willie, or think about him every day. She regularly talks to the portrait of him in her bedroom. A few weeks ago, when she learned her health insurance was going up, she looked at the picture and said, "Willie, why aren't you here to help me with this?"
Parnell also has established new traditions, especially during the holidays. Her husband used to put up the tree and hang the outside lights. Now, her son does.
Her four children and their families used to come to her house for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. This year, the group gathered at Parnell's daughter's house for the first time--and may try a different arrangement for Christmas Day as well.
"You gotta make new traditions, have new times," said Parnell, 69. "It's not the same, of course, and it never will be, but you deal with it."
Teenager Janelle is learning to do that. She couldn't even talk about her friend for the first month or two; now she feels better when she recalls the way Ner's smile lit up a room.
She's also realized that each person influences others in ways he or she may not know, so she goes out of her way to be more friendly and accepting of others.
That's how Ner was.
Janelle probably will attend the youth party at church. "Ner wouldn't want me not to go to stuff, and I can't put my life on hold," she said. "It's going to be difficult, though, that's for sure."
To reach CATHY DYSON: 540/374-5425 cdyson@freelancestar.com
