YES, WE SURVIVED! Readers may recall my description of May, the mother of all months, in my last column. Our daughter graduated from college May 7, she got married two weeks later, and my first book, "Bloody Point," was released.
All good things, and all stressful. But everything went well--the graduation was held on a bright, sunny day, the speaker knew how to be pithy and short, the wedding was fantastic (another gorgeous day!), and the book is doing well. And if my sailor husband noticed that all those beautiful days he spent sitting in bleachers and pews were also perfect days to be out on the water, well, he was too polite to mention it. (Note to son and younger daughter: May is the perfect sailing month. Choose June for a wedding. Better yet, the doldrums of August.)
Four years ago, we cast our daughter Becky out onto the waters at Christopher Newport University. Of course she's been back, and occasionally we've met some of her friends, but for the wedding, she arrived home with a whole school of them--bridesmaids, groomsmen, and significant others. Young people, so fresh and full of life, so excited by the future unfolding before them, are so invigorating. I loved being around them, listening to them and watching their reactions, gently probing their thoughts and feelings.
One thing I noticed: My daughter's friends are romantic! There were plenty of well-placed tender moments in the festivities preceding The Big Day. And immediately after the ceremony, the bride and groom and the rest of the wedding party exited the church and circled back around to the fellowship hall. I scooted back there, too, and heard the groomsmen high-fiving the groom. "Way to go, man!" "Hey, yeah, man, marriage rocks!"
What, no quips about the old "ball and chain"? No condolences or marriage put-downs? Instead, these young men, some of whom have already taken the trip to the altar themselves, were excited and encouraging.
And it wasn't just the adrenaline of the occasion. I'm noticing similar trends outside of wedding parties, in my other children's friends, as well. There's a revival in romance as these young people seek to discover and celebrate the core differences between men and women. And it makes me think that perhaps 40 years of insistence that the two sexes are exactly the same has finally run its course.
There are two guidebooks for the journey these kids are on--books that are passed around, read, and discussed late at night in front of a roaring bonfire: "Wild at Heart," by John Eldredge, and "Captivating," by Eldredge and his wife, Stasi.
The premise of the first is simple: Deep in the soul of every man is a thirst for adventure, a longing to be heroic. Our culture (especially its churches) tries to tame the man, to feminize him, to settle him down. The result stirs no one's soul.
Look at our movies. Who captures our imagination? Alan Alda? No. He might be nice to have coffee with. But it's William Wallace in "Braveheart," Maximus in "Gladiator," Aragorn in "Lord of the Rings" who set our hearts thumping. It is courage, strength, the willingness to fight for a good cause that engages our passions.
We saw this, too, after 9/11. Reacting to the reports of airline passengers teaming up to fight the terrorists ("Let's roll!") and images of firefighters racing into burning buildings, it suddenly became OK to be male again. (I am not forgetting or discounting the female heroes of the day, but after decades of male-bashing, it was refreshing to have men's strength applauded.)
Eldredge says we should forget forcing our sons to become simply Really Nice Guys--let men be men, warriors fit for battle, men of adventure and courage. These days, the early and inevitable wounds of childhood tend to make men passive or overly aggressive--couch potatoes or over-the-top chest-thumpers. There's a better way, a way to recognize and channel the essence of maleness by encouraging a thirst for adventure, a calling to the heroic, a mission to protect and provide.
And for women? "Captivating" posits three core desires of a woman: to be romanced, to play a vital role in a great adventure, and to reveal beauty (whether internal or external). This is no call to be a wimpy "helpmeet," a shadowy add-on to a man's life. Instead, it pictures strong femininity, like Eowyn in "Lord of the Rings"--one who fights battles as a woman while living out her desire for relationship and love for beauty. Instead, women all too often react to their own early wounds by becoming controlling or needy--both maladjustments which hinder them from becoming all they were created to be.
I have no idea if the ideas these young people are exploring will help them build great, long-term marriages and healthy families. Written from a Christian worldview, both books fall far short theologically.
Still, their popularity attests to this: Young adults today, left adrift by a culture that has decreed masculinity dysfunctional and femininity out of date, are seeking answers to some very fundamental questions. Who are we? Why do we feel the way we do? What does it mean to be a man? A woman? And how can we live together in a way that affirms both?
I wish them well as they thread their way through the relational swamp. Neither the Father-Knows-Best plan of my parents' generation nor the I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar philosophy of mine have served us well (although given the choice, I'd opt for the former).
For wisdom, I would suggest the marching orders delivered by the pastor who married my daughter and son-in-law. He said: "You are about to take vows you cannot keep." It takes an infusion of spiritual strength to help husbands and wives love each other. And that's a truth for all ages.
LINDA J. WHITE is an editorial writer and columnist for The Free Lance-Star.