Y OU'RE TIRED, you're cranky, and you're trying to get through your grocery list. This is your third stop of the day.
Oh yeah, and you're with your kids. Who have been fighting in the car and fighting in the stores and generally acting like that four-letter word that starts with B.
You feel like you have "Bad Parent" tattooed across your forehead.
And you'd like to have your own little tantrum, too.
What should you do?
Try to relax, said Julie Rivnak-McAdam, executive director of the Rappahannock Area Council for Child Abuse Prevention.
Parents should know that it's normal for young children to get restless and sometimes difficult to handle, particularly when running errands, Rivnak-McAdam said. It's normal for 2- to 3-year-olds to scream and have temper tantrums.
Remember that keeping the kids happy while running errands can be even tougher in the summer months. Hot temperatures can test tempers, and you might have more children to deal with since school's out, she said.
If the kids are really acting up, don't be afraid to just take them and leave, she said.
Leave your shopping basket if you have to. Tell a cashier or manager on the way out that you're sorry, but you have to go. It happens, she said.
Take the kids to the car for a time-out. Give them a few minutes to calm down so you can go back into the store. If they don't, then just go home.
If possible, go shopping with your partner, she suggested. That way, they can take the kids out to the car for a time-out and you don't have to abandon your items. She said she and her husband used this technique often when her daughter was younger.
Try to stay calm, even if you're exploding inside.
Children will pick up on your stress level and become even more difficult to control. If you feel like you're getting the "Bad Parent" looks from other adults, just ignore them.
Make sure you put some thought into your errands, too, she said. Don't plan shopping trips during times when your child is likely to be tired or hungry.
What if you feel like you're constantly yelling at your kids?
Look for help, Rivnak-McAdam said. Talk to other parents and friends. Just sharing frustrations can sometimes help tremendously.
See if your partner or another close friend or relative can take your children for a few hours so you can get a break. Consider joining a parents' support group, such as those offered through the council. For more information, log on to raccap.org or call 540/785-6217.
"Try to regularly schedule time to do things for yourself," Rivnak-McAdam said. "That's real important to take time for yourself and realize you can't be mom or dad 24/7."
What if you're in the grocery store and you see a frazzled mom snapping at her children?
It might be tempting to just give the mom a nasty look, think "Geez, she can't control those kids," and walk away feeling superior. But refrain. Instead, try to help.
Give the mom an understanding look, Rivnak-McAdam said. Try saying something reassuring like, "It's tough being a parent, isn't it?" she suggested.
Bring up something complimentary about the child, even if you comment only on her outfit or pretty eyes. That might help the parent feel less stressed and feel better about the child.
"Parents can lash out because they are embarrassed, they might feel their child is creating a scene," she said. "Parents should be encouraged to look at the situation positively."
Offer the parent help if they seem to need it, Rivnak-McAdam said. Ask if you can help them reach an item on a shelf or help them put their groceries on the checkout line.
What if you notice that a friend or acquaintance seems to snap at their children frequently? Don't just automatically cross the person off your play-date list. Of course, you shouldn't ignore what's happening, either.
Offer to help, Rivnak-McAdam said. Take the children for a morning so the mom can relax a bit. Or offer to watch her children when she is running errands.
Be upfront and talk to the parent about what you've seen. Don't try this when the parent
Suggest places where the parent can take parenting classes or get support from other parents. Many parents might not be aware of what's appropriate for their children at certain ages, and, therefore, they might expect too much or too little of their child.
Child-development classes can help you figure out just what to expect from your child, which can be reassuring.
Some parents might need support from other parents, a place
"A lot of parents think they should overnight become a perfect parent, and that doesn't happen," Rivnak-McAdam said.
Of course, you can't always prevent bad things from happening. What should you do if you witness child abuse in public?
Physical abuse is a gray area, said Maj. Michael Timm of the Spotsylvania County Sheriff's Office.
If the person strikes the child with an open hand, such as a swat on the bottom, that's typically considered corporal punishment and isn't illegal, Timm said. However, if the person is striking a child with a closed fist, that's considered abuse.
Consider the situation and let your conscience be your guide.
Does the person seem to be hitting with all of their might? Is the child flinching, or otherwise looking scared?
If you have any doubt, call the authorities, he said. Or find the store manager and let him or her know what's going on and that you are contacting law enforcement, Rivnak-McAdam said.
If you witness what looks like abuse, don't feel as if you have to step in and be the hero, Timm said. You could find the angry adult turning against you. If you see the abuse in the parking lot, for instance, get the car's license plate number and description, see where it's heading and call the authorities, he said.
Call 911 immediately if you see a child alone in a car or a parent putting children in a car's trunk, he said.
Parents should know that it's never OK to leave a child alone in a car or to put children in the trunk of a car.
When the sun is beating down on a vehicle, the temperatures in the car can easily get into the 100s, Timm said. Temperatures in a trunk can reach 150 degrees or more in a matter of minutes, he said.
"If [children] get overheated, their brain can fry in a few minutes," he said.
If a child is in a locked car, don't leave the child alone. Stay until rescue workers or other law enforcement officials arrive. If you've seen someone putting children in a trunk, call 911 and, if possible, follow the car yourself while on the phone with law enforcement, Timm said.
In short, try to do your best
"I fully believe that everyone has a role to play in protecting children," Rivnak-McAdam said. "If we see things not going right, we should try to help the situation in some way."
KIM BAER is a freelance writer and soon-to-be mother of two, who lives in Spotsylvania County. You can e-mail her at dabaersbk1@netzero .com.