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Veni, vidi, vino: In the Age of Bush, a jug of Padre Kino don't hurt

 Yul Brynner (foreground) and Steve McQueen star in 'The Magnificent Seven,' one of many classic Westerns that never received so much as an Oscar nomination. The movie can be seen on the big screen at Charlottesville's Paramount Theater on March 5.
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Date published: 2/25/2006

GUADALAJARA--I have decided to become a drunk and live under a bench, maybe in a radiation suit. It only makes sense. The times are dire. Dark shapes twist in the international fog. The United States, in the hands of puzzled children of low moral character, flaps about like a damp rag in a high wind. Anything could happen.

I figure to enjoy it since I can't stop it. It would all seem more amusing and less dark, I thought, if I weren't immoderately sober. To this end I walked to the Oxxo, which is a Mexican 7-Eleven, and bought a bottle of Padre Kino red.

Maybe I should have bought two bottles.

There is much to cause worry. The strange little man in the White House is leering at Iran in his customary state of martial priapism. Not good. (Wild thought: Someone ought to give Iran nuclear weapons, so he won't attack it.) Anyway, wee Bush, not having enough army for his current wars, wants to start a bigger and shinier one.

Somebody explain it to me. I have limited geostrategic grasp. Perhaps he believes that by spreading unwinnability over several wars, he will reduce it in each. Victory through distributed defeat.

I keep reading that Herr Bush may use "bunker buster" nukes in Iran. To the inordinately dim, this has a comforting sound. You know, a little itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, perhaps yellow polka-dot nukelet goes way down in the earth and, fooomp! blows up the evil bunker, hardly rattling the windows above. Actually, an earth-penetrator doesn't penetrate beyond a few feet, all of which turn into fallout.

The Padre Kino isn't working. None of this makes any sense, even after half a bottle. I may have to go IV. The president's virtuous plan to spread democracy like bird flu goes apace. Ain't nobody heah ceptin' us missionaries. The rascal is imposing democracy right and left, though mostly left as it turns out.

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