Self-checkout not for everyone

Date published: 7/7/2006

WE ARE a nation of do-it- yourselfers. We self-help. We self-medicate. We self-destruct.

We light our own fireworks. We grill our own hot dogs. We brew our own beer.

We prize the independent spirit. Go forth, young man, with your power tools and plywood and build yourself a patio.

Go forth, young pioneer, with needle and thread and reattach the limb that was accidentally lopped off during the construction of said patio.

In celebration of that kind of irrepressible self-reliance, American retailers have introduced the ultimate in independence technology: the self-checkout.

Theoretically, your independent-minded shopper, after subduing her shrieking children and stuffing them in the shopping cart with the ephedrine, the oat bran and a few cans of Fix-A-Flat, should be able to ring up her own purchases and pay for them, leaving the store exuding self-confidence.

Properly harnessed, the self-checkout, much like nuclear energy, is a powerful resource for good.

In the wrong hands, however, it's downright dangerous.

Some folks are simply not cut out for the strain caused by having to drag a bag of lettuce over a scanner.

Most of these folks are also blissfully unaware of their own shortcomings, right up to the moment they pull a brimming cart up to the self-checkout and begin frantically waving canned goods at the computer screen.

To prevent that sort of mishap, I'd like to propose a screening process. Right now, any over-confident shopper can stroll up to the self-checkout and start pushing buttons, inflicting a long and arduous wait on those in line behind them.

Perhaps the device could administer a short quiz first before agreeing to ring up items, thereby setting a kind of minimum standard:

Have you ever successfully programmed the clock on your VCR?

Can you operate a push-button telephone?

Are you now, or have you ever been, a South Florida voter?

Those who fail the quiz must wheel their cart to a supervised station, where a highly trained professional will add up their bill while complaining about having to work until closing.

Those who answer correctly may proceed to the self-checkout, where a greater test of will awaits. You see, operating the machinery often comes with its own set of complications.

On a recent grocery trip, I watched a woman struggle to scan her watermelon.

The thing is, watermelons aren't grown with bar codes.

Date published: 7/7/2006