Feeling overwhelmed? Parent coaches and consultants are stepping in to help parents take some of the guesswork out of rearing children

Date published: 12/12/2006

By KIM BAER

ASHLEY SCOTT WAS a new mom.

She felt as if she spent all of her time trying to get her head above laundry and diapers.

She felt as if she didn't have time to work on potty training or transitioning her 2-year-old son from a crib to a bed.

She felt overwhelmed.

Her friend Holly Schiffrin, a psychology professor at the University of Mary Washington, was getting certified as a parent coach.

Schiffrin needed a guinea pig for her new skills. Scott wanted guidance. It was a perfect match.

"Parent coaching helped me to be a better, more focused, more organized parent," Scott said.

Parents have long turned to friends and family for help. The most zealous of parents have taken classes and joined support groups.

But parenting help has moved to the next level.

Across the country, more parents are seeking coaches or consultants for guidance with specific issues--from picky eaters to bedtime battlers--or help with setting parenting goals.

The concept picked up steam thanks to two popular television shows, "Supernanny" and "Nanny 911." On these programs, professional nannies come into each family's home, observe parenting problems and offer on-the-spot guidance.

Parent coaching differs from family therapy because it focuses on specific parent and child behaviors, said Terry Diebold, a licensed family and marital therapist with a Fredericksburg practice.

"Parent coaching is a great idea and can help avoid family dysfunction later," Diebold said.

Steven Mintz is a history professor at the University of Houston. He has written a book called "Huck's Raft: A History of American Childhood" and is co-chair of the National Council on Contemporary Families.

Mintz said parent help is becoming one of the economy's biggest areas of growth.

This help includes businesses that pack healthy lunches for the children of busy parents, and businesses that will teach children life skills such as toilet training.

Some observers fear parents are "outsourcing" their responsibilities by hiring help, Mintz said. But he does not necessarily agree.

Parent coaches can provide objective advice that friends and family cannot, he said.

"Most parents turn to coaches not because they want to subcontract their responsibilities, but because they genuinely need help."

The Fredericksburg area is home to at least two parent coaches or consultants.

Barbara Regan of Spotsylvania County is a former nursery school teacher and nanny. She has given child-rearing advice to family and friends for years.

When Regan saw "Supernanny," she had an "aha" moment. She realized she could make a living doing something she loved.

The Spotsylvania County resident started her own parent-consulting business a few months ago. So far, she says, she's had about 20 clients.

Like the nannies on television, she comes into homes to deal with specific issues. However, she said she also shares her parenting philosophy, which she describes as "fair discipline, firmness and fun."

She has a list of helpful sayings she gives clients, such as: "Labeling is disabling."

Why are parents seeking help? All eggs in one basket: As parents have fewer children, they seek "higher quality" kids. Today's better-educated, more affluent parents have more money to devote to each child. Anxiety: Anxiety is the hallmark of contemporary parenting. Few parents assume that their child will grow up "naturally." Parental anxieties are easily manipulated and exploited. The lure of expertise: We inhabit a society that prizes expertise and specialization. We assume that a specialist can do things better than an amateur. Stress: Today's families are beset by stress. Many harried parents are eager to "subcontract" the most conflict-ridden aspects of parenting to others, so that their relations with their kids can be less conflictive. SOURCE: Steven Mintz, history professor at the University of Houston and author of "Huck's Raft: A History of American Childhood" What to look for in a parent coach: From Mintz: In a word: caring. Expertise is not enough. Expertise must be supplemented by the "three C's": communication skills, compassion and understanding, and genuine concern. Are you seeking too much help? Remember why you want to outsource a particular aspect of parenting. There are positive and negative reasons. Positive reasons include: A need for expert advice and assistance A situation that has become counterproductive. For example, teaching your child to drive, which is turning into endless confrontations A desire to provide something special. For instance, a very special birthday party or one-time event Negative reasons include: Lack of time Anxiety and lack of self-confidence Frustration with your child Because your top priorities are elsewhere, like at work. Mintz's final words of advice: "Just as marriage requires work, so, too, does child rearing. The time one invests when kids are young is never wasted; it nurtures a relationship that becomes essential when serious problems crop up--and they will crop up--in adolescence."

Date published: 12/12/2006

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