In court, the author mooves into the field of instant 'expert witness' on cows.

The testimony may not be entirely true, but it is entertaining. By Donnie Johnston

Date published: 2/23/2008

IHAVE ALWAYS said that if you want some cheap entertainment, just spend a day in your local court.

All you have to do is sit through a few cases to learn just how imaginative some people are. The world's best writer couldn't make up some of the stories I have heard told on the witness stand.

I recall one case where a guy walked barefooted into a department store and then walked out in a pair of stolen shoes.

I suppose he figured no one would pay any attention to a man walking out in shoes, but what he failed to take into consideration was that almost everyone took notice of his bare feet when he walked in.

Then there was the guy who stole a farmer's wagon, then got scared and decided to destroy the evidence. He stripped the boards from the bed, then took a hacksaw and cut the metal frame into small pieces.

LYING AS AN ART FORM

When covering court I am continually amazed at how people lie without hesitation on the witness stand. The lies are obvious, often outlandish, and everybody, including the judge, knows that the witness is telling a whopper.

Still, these people just keep making up tales as if someone out there actually believes what they are saying.

Personal injury cases are the best.

"Yes, judge, I know I was in the 14th car in a chain-reaction crash and it may have seemed like only a little bump to the officer, but my neck has been hurting so bad ever since."

A neck brace, of course, comes with this testimony.

I sat through one such case some 25 years ago, and it seemed as if every person the plaintiff knew--including members of his family--testified that his neck injury had made him difficult to live with in the weeks and months after the crash.

After the trial a man who knew the injured party just shook his head.

"He was as mean as a snake before he was in that accident," the guy said.

It is interesting to watch a lawyer who knows his client is as guilty as sin try to get the guy off. I have seen some preposterous defenses in my time, but I guess those attorneys have to do something to earn their money.

I have often wondered how judges can sit straight-faced at some of the lies and outlandish testimony that occurs during some trials. Sometimes when I am sitting in the gallery it is all I can do to keep from bursting into laughter.

Maybe judges pinch themselves behind the bench to preserve the dignity of the court.

The best cases are those where almost everybody involved is lying, where every witness tries to top the testimony of the others. Sometimes I walk out of court not believing anybody. I can only imagine how a judge, who must render a verdict, feels.

Date published: 2/23/2008

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