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Jessica Alba enjoyed being the 'invisible woman' to the media when she married Cash Warren. |
9021 NOOOOO!
Being a teenager in these times is probably harder than in any other generation. How will you know who you are and whether you like yourself without corporate America holding a mirror up to your face?
If only some television producer would come up with an hour-long television show that reflects the everyday lives of average American teens--a show about a group of five to six gorgeous-looking, mostly white, upper-middle-class and filthy-rich teens who navigate the feisty waters of dating, back-stabbing and drinking.
What would they call such an original show? "Dawson's" "O.C." "Gossip Girl" Oh, I know: "90210."
What's that you say? You just took down your Luke Perry posters and packed away your stone-washed denim? Well, the CW network thinks you hate your adult life so much that you'll regress back to 1993 in a heartbeat.
As I reported weeks ago, CW has green-lighted a "90210" spinoff and plans to air the series premiere this fall. However, no one cares about the new cast. What we really want to know is who from the original cast is so broke and D-list that they're willing to reprise their roles.
According to Perez Hilton, both Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth will be accepting recurring roles. Tori will own the hottest boutique in Beverly Hills, and Jennie will be a guidance counselor at the high school. Though there are rumblings of Luke Perry's returning, everyone's aching to know if Shannen Doherty will sharpen her claws for a comeback. It will probably depend on whether the show can afford nut-bag crazy insurance.
NOT STILL THE ONE
Let Shania Twain's busted marriage be a lesson to women everywhere. Marrying up and ugly, then moving to Switzerland, will not secure you a "happily ever after."
Last week, it was revealed that the country-singing Canadian is splitting from record producer and husband of 14 years Robert "Mutt" Lange. Now, People is reporting that infidelity is to blame. Allegedly, Mutt ditched Shania for the couple's Swiss employee and close family friend, Marie-Anne Thiebaud. Sources claim both Marie-Anne and Mutt have left their spouses for each other and are currently still together.
Even though I like Shania, a part of me can't help but feel a bit smug. Who did you think you were by moving to Switzerland? You think you're better than us? Maybe if you'd stuck it out in the States instead of running off and playing Heidi, the paparazzi would have snapped your philandering husband and you'd have been swimming in alimony years ago.
ROOSTER CROWS
Shania may run off to Switzerland, and Madonna can adopt a phony British accent, but no one could ever accuse the McConaugheys of forgetting their roots.
While Matthew lives in a camper and executes every role with a swampland accent, his brother Michael Patrick, aka "Rooster," is also keeping it real.
Rooster, who appeared in "The Newton Boys" and named his son Miller Lyte after his favorite beer, will be starring in a reality show called "Black Gold." According to People online, the show will follow the race to find oil in Texas, and Rooster will be a major supplier of the pipes for drilling.
Seriously, race to find oil in Texas in 2008? If they strike it rich, are they going to pack up their wagon and move to Californy? Hopefully, the ships hauling imported equipment won't fall off the edge of the Earth. Maybe they'll "discover" Mexico and name it New New Mexico.
The only way I will not despise this show is if Matthew sporadically shows up and mans an oil rig, or just stands there. It doesn't matter--as long as he's shirtless and not talking.
WEDDING ALBA
You can call Jessica Alba a lot of things--like a bad actress--but you can't call her dumb.
While the media was occupado hunting down Ashlee Simpson's wedding, a pregnant Jessica Alba used the opportunity to get herself hitched, according to MSNBC. Apparently, some celebrities really are serious when they claim they want a private wedding.
The husband: Cash Warren, tinsel-town nobody. The location: a courthouse. The reason: Ha! You said "love." Have I taught you nothing? Jessica's turkey timer is about to pop. The one thing that separates the Lindsay Lohans from the Jessica Albas is a proper faith-based upbringing that instills the correct levels of fear and shame. Pay attention, Miley Cyrus.
Bassey Etim-Edet is a freelance gossip columnist in Arlington. Reach her at
Email: betimedet@gmail.com.
