Enrique Iglesias is the new hero for lovelorn Kournikova fans. GETTY IMAGES

Lindsay Lohan's half sister, Britney's second chance, Pam's PETA rant and Enrique's secret marriage

Date published: 7/3/2008

PARENT TRAP(PED)

Sometimes I wonder if Lindsay Lohan's family really wants her to get better.

Children are an investment, and I understand that the whole point of parenting is to squeeze all the cash from your little cow while you can--at least, that's what it said in the pamphlet my mom gave me before she sent me off to a geology camp held in a West Virginia mine shaft each summer. But if your investment is trying to recover from alcohol and substance abuse, you would think you'd keep the family dysfunction to a minimum during the process.

Well, not Michael Lohan. It seems Lindsay's ex-convict father will do anything to keep his name in the spotlight. According to Perez Hilton, Michael has gone public with the news that he fathered a secret love-child out of wedlock. Yes, Lindsay Lohan has just learned she has a 13-year-old sister who allegedly looks likes her.

Papa Lohan issued a press release advising that he is still awaiting the results of a DNA test--but he has known about the young girl's existence for many years, and the two have conversed on several occasions.

This scenario has the makings of the greatest Lifetime movie-of-the-week. I foresee Lindsay falling off the wagon. Hard. I see this unnamed half-sister quitting the German Club, dumbing herself down and milking her new celebrity for all it's worth at school--she will inevitably become a teenage statistic.

Of course, this news will do nothing to further Michael Lohan's career, and thus, he will continue to not pay child support or do anything that could be mistaken for human decency.

BABY ONE MORE TIME

The gods are smiling upon Britney Spears.

Bricks and Stones reports that she may be getting another shot to perform at the MTV Video Music Awards. Apparently, squeezing your muffin top into a sparkly two-piece, then zoning out to your safe place as you forget your lyrics and dance steps is a guaranteed way to get you invited back.

Per Van Toffler, president of MTV Networks Music Group, "Everyone deserves a second or third chance, right?" Tell that to Milli Vanilli.

Date published: 7/3/2008