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'RULES' TO LIVE BY: ETIQUETTE BOOK SHAPED THE FATHER OF OUR COUNTRY

July 20, 2008 12:16 am

HOW DID A farmer's son, raised on the edge of the American frontier, become a respectable gentleman and the first president of the United States? Like generations of teenage boys before him, he learned manners by copying rules from a book of etiquette.

Known as "The Rules of Civility" in Washington's time, this collection of maxims on how to behave in society was based on a 1595 French manuscript titled "Bien-seance de la Conversation Entre les Hommes" ("Good Manners in Conversation Among Men"). Many versions of this list of rules were written in Italian, Latin, French, and English, and some even contained rules for women. The one George Washington studied contained 110 ways for a proper gentleman to conduct himself.

Washington was a man of high ambitions. A strong, athletic young man, he always strove to be the fastest (running and riding horses), the strongest (throwing stones across the river), and the first (as in, "the hearts of his countrymen"), but his ambition was tempered by a decorum that made him a favorite with men and women.

Washington's stature gave him an advantage in physical endeavors, but throughout his life he lamented his lack of a formal education. Prior to the death of his father, Augustine, the Washingtons were relatively prosperous and young George attended school taught by "Hobby" Grove, the sexton of Falmouth Church. Here he learned basic reading, writing, and business law--all necessary for a Virginia farmer. George was just 11 and his siblings even younger when their father died and left the property where they lived (now known as Ferry Farm) to George. This being an age when only sons could inherit property, George's older half-brothers from his father's first marriage were left holdings in Westmoreland County and Little Hunting Creek (later known as Mount Vernon).

NO SCHOOL IN ENGLAND

Mary Ball Washington was left with the responsibility of running the farm in Stafford County that her young son George now owned. Times were difficult for this single mother, particularly since she refused to remarry, which was unusual in the 1700s. Most likely she had suitors (a widow with property was a desirable commodity), but she did not accept any offers, choosing to run the farm with her children, a few slaves, and occasional advice from male relatives.

The family's financial situation meant that George would not be sent to school in England like his father and two older half-brothers. Instead, George studied math, Latin, and deportment with the Reverend James Marye, rector of St. George's Church in Fredericksburg, between visits to his brother Lawrence at Mount Vernon. It is thought that it was during his studies with the Rev. Marye that George wrote out "The Rules of Civility."

ENGLAND TO AMERICA

Before the American Revolution, the colonists tended to continue the behavior of their British counterparts. Thus, accepted manners were taught to children in both places. Among the rules of civility young Washington learned were these (From "George Washington's Rules of Civility" by John T. Phillips II):

Rule No. 1: Every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present.

Rule No. 6: Sleep not when others speak. Sit not when others stand. Speak not when you should hold your peace. Walk not when others stop.

Rule No. 11: Shift not yourself in the sight of others, nor gnaw your nails.

Rule No. 14: Turn not your back to others, especially in speaking. Jog not the table or desk on which another reads or writes. Lean not upon anyone.

Rule No. 15: Keep nails clean and short, and your hands and teeth clean, yet without showing any concern for them.

Rule No. 21: Reproach none for the infirmities of nature, nor delight to put them that have infirmities in mind thereof.

Rule No. 22: Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of another, though he were your enemy.

Rule No. 38: In visiting the sick, do not presently play the physician if you be not knowing therein.

Rule No. 43: Do not express joy before one who is sick or in pain, for that contrary passion will aggravate his misery.

Rule No. 44: When a man does all he can, though it succeeds not well, blame not he that did it.

Rule No. 49: Use no reproachful language against anyone, neither curse nor revile.

Rule No. 50: Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the disparagement of any.

Rule No. 65: Speak not injurious words, neither in jest nor earnest. Scoff at no one, although they give occasion.

Rule No. 77: Treat with men at fit times about business, and whisper not in the company of others.

Rule No. 89: Speak not evil of those who are absent, for it is unjust.

Rule No. 110: Labour to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.

APPLICABLE TO 2008, TOO

Children are no longer expected to learn manners by copying them from a book, and manners vary from country to country, but in most American households children learn the same basic table manners (Rule No. 98: Drink not, nor talk, with your mouth full; Put not another bit into your mouth till the former be swallowed. Let not your morsels be too big for the jowls) that George Washington learned. This is just one illustration of the timeless nature of these basic precepts.

Having reread the rules in preparation for this article, I am reminded that it doesn't hurt to have a refresher course now and then. In fact, I recommend it.