Donnie, Jed and O.J., a winning ticket

Date published: 10/10/2008

FINALLY! Less than 30 days left! There really may be an end to this presidential campaign that began four years ago.

Still, after countless TV ads and an unending series of speeches and political criticism, I'm not convinced that I want either John McCain or Barack Obama running the country.

And I'm sure I don't want either Sarah Palin or Joe Biden in charge.

I thought the debates might help, but they didn't. During the last presidential debate in Nashville, Tenn., McCain continuously walked around the set like some poor old guy who had wandered away from the nursing home, while Obama didn't offer any solid answers to the problems that face the nation.

And the vice-presidential debate! All Biden did was talk about Obama, while Palin skirted (no pun intended, ladies) every issue except energy. She did, however, make points with "hockey moms" and the "Joe Six-Packs" out there in TV land.

Unfortunately, most of the "hockey moms" live in Canada and the "Joe Six-Packs" don't register to vote for fear of being called for jury duty.

Did you notice how many times the camera panned to Palin from behind (wide shot) during the debate? Was this to highlight her legs? And the woman does have nice legs (never thought I'd ever say that about a vice-presidential candidate)!

But political substance, not nice legs, is the issue here and the pickins remain so slim that I am still inclined to write my own name in on Nov. 4.

In fact, a number of other people have indicated that they might also throw their support my way. But, like me, they want substance, not just a pretty face atop nice legs. If they write my name on the ballot, they want to make sure they are not wasting their vote.

Well, my fellow Americans, I assure you that won't be the case. I'll address the issues with common-sense solutions and surround myself with people who are experts in their field.

I'll ask Hillary Clinton to be my running mate. That way the press will concentrate on Bill and I can return the country to prosperity in relative obscurity.

Who would I appoint to my nonpartisan cabinet?

The first priority will be to address our dependence on foreign oil, so I plan to name Jed Clampett as secretary of energy.

Date published: 10/10/2008