FINALLY! Less than
Still, after countless TV ads and an unending series of speeches and political criticism, I'm not convinced that I want either John McCain or Barack Obama running the country.
And I'm sure I don't want either Sarah Palin or Joe Biden in charge.
I thought the debates might help, but they didn't. During the last presidential debate in Nashville, Tenn., McCain continuously walked around the set like some poor old guy who had wandered away from the nursing home, while Obama didn't offer any solid answers to the problems that face the nation.
And the vice-presidential debate! All Biden did was talk about Obama, while Palin skirted (no pun intended, ladies) every issue except energy. She did, however, make points with "hockey moms" and the "Joe Six-Packs" out there in TV land.
Unfortunately, most of the "hockey moms" live in Canada and the "Joe Six-Packs" don't register to vote for fear of being called for jury duty.
Did you notice how many times the camera panned to Palin from behind (wide shot) during the debate? Was this to highlight her legs? And the woman does have nice legs (never thought I'd ever say that about a vice-presidential candidate)!
But political substance, not nice legs,
In fact, a number of other people have indicated that they might also throw their support my way. But, like me, they want substance, not just a pretty face atop nice legs. If they write my name on the ballot, they want to make sure they are not wasting their vote.
Well, my fellow Americans, I assure you that won't be the case. I'll address the issues with common-sense solutions and surround myself with people who are experts in their field.
I'll ask Hillary Clinton to be my running mate. That way the press will concentrate on Bill and I can return the country to prosperity in relative obscurity.
Who would I appoint to my nonpartisan cabinet?
The first priority will be to address our dependence on foreign oil, so I plan to name Jed Clampett as secretary of energy.
While all the big oil companies are spending millions out drilling test wells, Clampett can take his hunting rifle out in the woods and find oil for the cost of a .30-caliber bullet.
Gabe Kotter will be my secretary of education. Here is a man who can teach 10 hard-core inner-city kids everything they need to know in a five-minute class period. He'll revamp the public school system.
I'll put O.J. Simpson in charge of homeland security. Give "The Juice" a knife and a gun and no terrorist will dare cross our borders.
Martha Stewart is my choice for interior secretary. With her help, our country will look so much better and be so much more efficient. Nobody can do an interior like Martha.
I'll nominate the Rev. Al Sharpton as secretary of state. Sharpton can get to a troubled hot spot quicker than a bear can get to a honey tree. When there is trouble in the world, Sharpton will take care of it for me.
Michael Jackson will be my secretary of agriculture. Remember he had that Neverland Ranch in California? Any rancher certainly ought to be qualified to oversee the Department of Agriculture.
I intend to make Sarah Palin my secretary of the treasury. She once watched a Wal-Mart clerk open a cash register, so she is qualified.
In fact, Palin could well have become either my secretary of agriculture (she once drove past a farm) or my secretary of defense (she lives between two foreign countries and she can shoot). I would be afraid to give her the latter job, however, for fear she would invade Canada.
Britney Spears would make a perfect health and human services director. She seems extremely healthy and has had multiple contacts with human services.
Ben Matlock will be my attorney general. He's a good lawyer and likes hot dogs. We could send him down to Sheetz every night for supper (two hot dogs for $1) and save federal food dollars.
Finally, I'll make Oprah Winfrey my secretary of transportation. If times get really tough, Oprah will just give everybody a car, which will cause Ford and General Motors stocks to rise and help Wall Street.
Between Oprah and Jed Clampett, all our transportation problems will be solved.
So, you see, if you write my name down, your vote will not be wasted.
Vote Donnie on Nov. 4!
(This column has been written with my approval.)
Donnie Johnston:
Email: djohnston@freelancestar.com