TIMING in the uni-
Last week, a report came out stating that people who have sex at least 200 times a year live an average of 61/2 years longer.
The previous week, voters in San Francisco rejected a proposal that would have legalized prostitution.
Do you think somebody delayed releasing that report for a week?
Of course, there are all kinds of stories related to this report going around.
One man told me that after he read the news story he immediately called the police.
"I now have evidence that my wife has been trying to kill me for the past 40 years," he said with a sly grin.
I heard another good husband story the other day.
A guy told me that his wife fussed so much about him not helping clean the house that he began to do the vacuuming.
Then she nagged him about not doing the dishes, so he started doing the dishes.
Soon it was laundry that became the wife's pet peeve, so he learned to use the washer and dryer.
Finally, the lady of the house wanted her husband to start cooking, so he learned to do that.
"One day I started thinking: If I can do all the housework, what do
"So I got a divorce, and I'm happier than I have ever been!" he added.
Girls, be careful what you create.
A CHAT WITH A CAT
The other day, I saw one of those lost-animal posters nailed to a signpost.
"Lost: Black and white cat. Friendly. Answers to the name of Charlie."
Have you ever heard a cat or a dog answer when the animal's name is spoken?
I haven't. And I would be really shocked if I walked up to a cat, said "Charlie?" and got a reply: "Yes. My name is Charlie. What is your name and how are you doing today?"
Cats and dogs don't answer. They may respond with a meow or
But if I had an animal that did, I sure wouldn't let it out of my sight. Can you imagine how much a talking cat would be worth?
Of course, cats are so contrary that if one could talk he wouldn't--just for spite--if you wanted to show him off.
And Charlie is probably not lost. He likely just got tired of those people waiting for him to answer to his name and went out looking for a new home.
Cats do that, you know.
SNAKES ALIVE!
I parked my tractor and went to supper one evening and when I came back it wouldn't start. The alternator wasn't charging the battery.
So I called my friendly neighborhood mechanic and asked him to check it out.
The man came, pulled open the dashboard and then abruptly jumped into his truck and left. I later called to find out what happened.
"Did you look behind that dash?" he asked.
I replied that I hadn't.
"Well, that thing was full of stuff the mice had put in there to make a nest," he informed me. "And they had chewed a couple of the wires in two."
"Why didn't you fix them?" I asked.
"I started digging around in that mouse nest and I found a snakeskin," he replied. "That was enough for me! I wasn't going to do anything more until I went home and got my air tank to blow that mess out. I wasn't about to reach in there and grab a snake!"
I looked and, sure enough, there was a blacksnake's skin right there behind the ignition.
Glad that old boy didn't come out from behind the steering wheel one day when I was traveling at 30 mph down the highway between farms.
If he had, that tractor and I both would likely have wound up climbing a tree.
Donnie Johnston:
Email: djohnston@freelancestar.com