It's not Thanksgiving without an assortment of pies, a tradition unchanged since this Connecticut family sat down together in 1944. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS Visit the Photo Place

The gut-busting joy that is Thanksgiving

While most cultures have some version of a harvest festival, it took our great American can-do spirit to appropriately supersize the fun

Date published: 11/22/2009

THANKSGIVING. Come on! Who thought this one up? It's like some holiday dreamed up by stoners over bong hits: Guys (cough, cough), check it out. Some lady mom dude gets up early and starts making a bunch of food, like nine or 10 meals' worth. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, hot rolls, green-bean casserole, that weird red jelly-ish stuff--you know, it keeps the shape of the can?--sweet potatoes with marshmallows melted on them, and pies, tons of pies.

Here's how the day goes down. You have this totally righteous meal, bros, shoveling it in, seconds, thirds, fourths, until you're as stuffed as the turkey. So what happens next, you might wonder? Some kind of lame-o holiday rite like caroling or hunting for colored eggs in a suburban backyard? A little exercise to work off some of those thousands of calories you just inhaled, perchance?

Survey says, think again.

All that's required of you, amigos, is that you drag your now well-upholstered guts straight to the nearest couch--ASAP!--for some well-earned, all-afternoon chillin'. Nonstop football (games are on all day even though it's not even Sunday!) and some totally hilarious black-and-white movies from back in the old days, like the 1980s or something. Hey, go ahead and take a nap, too, if you like.

And it gets better, mes freres. Wrap your brains around this. Remember all that grub you piled in earlier? Well, after a few strenuous hours flat on your back, dozing and watching and dozing, it's time to chow down again! Feedbag Part Deux, my munchies-kins! So back you go to the kitchen for humongous turkey sandwiches, perhaps a scoop or two of mashed potatoes microwaved back into tasty-hood, and why yes, thank you, I will have a spoonful of those s'mores-yams à la High Times. Don't forget to save room for more pie! Enormous wedges of pumpkin, pecan, apple, or mincemeat. And don't go light on the Reddi-Wip either, chow-rades. The lady dude will have stockpiled a couple of cans, guaranteed. Spray yourselves nice, sugary heaps of the stuff, my belly-bursting brothers. Repeat as necessary.

Man, I am so there.

Follow us on

Date published: 11/22/2009

Most recent reader comments: