Sunday was Valentine’s Day, and he’d wanted to wish them a happy one.

He never got the chance. He got a call at 4 a.m. that Sunday nearly 25 years ago. His mother, Hetty, had died.

“The first thing that hit me was, ‘Why didn’t I call her yesterday like I always did?’” said Fariss, of Spotsylvania County. “I missed a last opportunity to talk to her. I had a lot of guilt about that.”

Married with small children, Fariss didn’t know how to talk about the devastating loss. So he didn’t.

At night, after dinner, he’d disappear into his room and sit in the dark feeling depressed and alone.

“

Although I was 40 years old, it knocked me off my feet,” said Fariss, now 64.

Ultimately, his wife encouraged him to seek help, and his minister helped him cope with his grief.

For the past 13 years, Fariss has served on the board of Hospice Support Care in Fredericksburg, helping patients and their families find healthy ways to deal with loss.

On Saturday Nov. 5, Fariss and three other local men will share their stories at England Run Library in Stafford as part of a “Men and Grief” panel.

Their primary message: The pain, anger and guilt you might feel after losing a loved one are normal, and you don’t have to cope on your own.

‘THEIR OWN HEALTHY WAY’

It’s a particularly important message for men to hear, said Sharron Simpson, adult bereavement coordinator at Hospice Support Care, which is co-sponsoring the panel discussion with Mary Washington Hospice as part of their joint Grief 101 program.

For so long, she said, the “model” for how to grieve was based on the emotional way in which women often expressed themselves.

Men—and undoubtedly plenty of women—who didn’t feel comfortable crying or sharing their feelings with others weren’t sure how to handle their grief, and often bottled it up.