Dear Carolyn: I recently snooped in my girlfriend's email and discovered she has, on at least one occasion, contacted an ex-boyfriend who is a known sore spot in our relationship.

What contact there was doesn't really amount to much, and I don't think she is trying to rekindle anything.

I am at a loss, though, to understand why she would write to him, even in a non-romantic way, when she knows the hurt it could cause me and the damage it could cause our relationship.

Also, I am reluctant to say anything to her, in part because of my own illicit action, but more so because I don't know that it will do any good. As odd as this sounds in light of both of our recent actions, I do trust her. I also have no doubt she loves me. I just don't want her talking to this guy on any level.

So what, if anything, should I do? And, what am I doing wrong? Thanks. --Snoop

Snooping, obviously. Serious boundary violation-- which you must confess, yes?

What else you're "doing wrong" depends on your reason for drawing an I-don't-want-you-contacting-him line where a pragmatic soul--and one who has any business saying "I do trust her"--would stand back and let trust do its job.

It's like not airbrushing a photograph; the result isn't as tidy, but you see what you're getting. When you do that, of course, you then get to decide whether you stay with her based on what you see.

You didn't choose that path, obviously; you're trying to wipe out blotches. So I ask again, why?

A few possibilities of many: Maybe there's a past cheating incident driving your no-contact request; maybe you know too much about this guy's ethics (or lack thereof) to want him anywhere near you or a loved one; maybe you just have a bad feeling about this guy.

Whatever it is, you need to know your motives. No rationalizing.