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Imagine the horror of a world without Twinkies

November 24, 2012 12:10 am


The much-loved Hostess snack will likely survive even if its maker doesn't.

HOW WILL civiliza- tion carry on without Twinkies?

Despite war in Israel, flood devastation in New Jersey and a fiscal cliff just down the highway, the biggest story this week concerned the fact that Hostess may be going out of business.

Hostess, of course, is the company that makes Twinkies, those yellow cream-filled snack cakes that have fit snugly into American lunch boxes since 1930.

We are such a sugar-crazed nation that all the stories written about Hostess' bankruptcy ordeal have failed to mention that the company also makes Wonder Bread--you know, that brand with all the colored balloons on the wrapper.

Nope. We can live without bread, but we won't survive without Twinkies and the other snacks that Hostess makes.

The situation is so desperate that on Monday a judge failed to allow the bankruptcy and liquidation proceedings to move forward until mediation sessions were held. Those sessions, between Hostess and the striking union workers who have created the crisis, were held Tuesday, but broke down that very night.

Now there is talk that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will be asked to come back from Israel and help broker a peace between Hostess and the union. Twinkies must be saved, no matter what the cost.

The Hostess story was so big that it even pushed ousted CIA Director Gen. David Petraeus' sex scandal from the front pages of big-city newspapers. Now there are rumors that the two national crises may be related.

Remember those emails that the FBI found on Paula Broadwell's computer, the ones that had to do with government secrets and national security?

According to some sources, those emails hint there may never have been a sex scandal, that, in fact, Broadwell may have been an undercover (pardon the pun) agent working with Petraeus to find a solution to the Hostess crisis before it exploded.

Should these rumors prove true and Hostess is saved, Broadwell's status may one day be revised from mistress to national hero.

Other sources say that Homeland Security has not ruled out the possibility that the Hostess crisis is terrorist-related. After all, it did come to a head while Clinton and President Obama were out of the country.

Santa Claus is even questioning the timing of the crisis, wondering why "Ho Hos" are being threatened during the Christmas season.

Of course, all is not lost yet. Word is that a Mexican bakery may buy at least part of the Hostess company and save Twinkies.

But would the snack cakes be the same if they were baked in Tijuana? Would they become "Twinkistas" or "Twinkitas"? Instead of vanilla filling, would they then be injected with guacamole dip?

Would the national debt be affected because border patrol agents would then be forced to spend time and money to prevent Ding Dongs from being smuggled across the border?

If a Mexican bakery buys the brand, would the "H's" in "Ho Hos" then become silent? Would we then just be ordering "O Os"?

The implications of a Mexican takeover are huge.

The most important question for me is not whether Twinkies or Ho Hos or Ding Dongs will go the way of the passenger pigeon, but rather will Hostess CupCakes be saved?

I never did care that much for Twinkies or the other snacks, but I could eat my weight in Hostess CupCakes. Yes, other companies make reasonable facsimiles thereof, but they are not nearly as good as the real thing.

So, Secretary of State Clinton, try to work out something.

And put Gen. Petraeus' Benghazi information on the back burner. If he is to testify again, America wants to know about his Ding Dong secrets.

Somebody in Washington, get cracking! President Obama brags that he saved the banking industry, but if allows Hostess to fail, that will be his legacy.

Maybe that's why the story didn't come out before the presidential election. Maybe the Democrats hid the facts so Obama wouldn't lose the fat vote if Hostess went out of business.

Mr. President, Mitt Romney claims you won the election by giving the minorities gifts. Now do something for the rest of us: Give Twinkies and Ho Hos and Hostess CupCakes back to the fat majority.

If you do, we'll all love you forever!

Donnie Johnston:

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