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If you're reading, world didn't end
If you're reading this, the world didn't end

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Date published: 12/21/2012

I'M SITTING here on the front porch waiting for the world to end.

This is it, you know, the day the Mayans supposedly declared would be our last.

Like any good newspaperman, I got up early so that I wouldn't miss any part of Armageddon.

I've got both my still camera and my video camera handy so I can document the event. It should be a pretty big story. After all, how often does the world end?

I may not be able to sell the video footage to the 6 o'clock news, but these images will be worth billions in 60 million years. Think how much The New York Times would pay for a photo of the dinosaur-extinction event.

I drove down to McDonald's and got a sausage-and-egg biscuit right after I got up. I don't want to face the end of time on an empty stomach. And if the Mayans are right, high cholesterol will be the least of my worries tomorrow.

I wondered if I should make a will. But if everyone is gone, who would I leave all my stuff to? Of course, if a black hole opens up and sucks us all in, all my possessions will accompany me into oblivion. Who says you can't take it with you?

It has to be a black hole that gets us. No disease known to man could wipe us all out in one day, nor could an atomic war.

If an asteroid were coming, some teenage astronomer would have spotted it long ago and told CNN. With all the leaks in Washington, there is no way the government could have kept a secret like that.

No, as the Earth and sun align with the center of the Milky Way galaxy (it happens only once every 26,000 years), it has to be a black hole that will suck us in sometime later today.

But wait! Maybe when that alignment occurs a wormhole will open up and those space aliens from the History Channel will invade us. Man! That would be like living in a science-fiction comic book!

Maybe Spock will appear on my doorstep and say, "Take me to your leader!" If that happens, should I send him to see President Obama or Honey Boo Boo?


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