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I'M SITTING here on the front porch waiting for the world to end.
This is it, you know, the day the Mayans supposedly declared would be our last.
Like any good newspaperman, I got up early so that I wouldn't miss any part of Armageddon.
I've got both my still camera and my video camera handy so I can document the event. It should be a pretty big story. After all, how often does the world end?
I may not be able to sell the video footage to the 6 o'clock news, but these images will be worth billions in 60 million years. Think how much The New York Times would pay for a photo of the dinosaur-extinction event.
I drove down to McDonald's and got a sausage-and-egg biscuit right after I got up. I don't want to face the end of time on an empty stomach. And if the Mayans are right, high cholesterol will be the least of my worries tomorrow.
I wondered if I should make a will. But if everyone is gone, who would I leave all my stuff to? Of course, if a black hole opens up and sucks us all in, all my possessions will accompany me into oblivion. Who says you can't take it with you?
It has to be a black hole that gets us. No disease known to man could wipe us all out in one day, nor could an atomic war.
If an asteroid were coming, some teenage astronomer would have spotted it long ago and told CNN. With all the leaks in Washington, there is no way the government could have kept a secret like that.
No, as the Earth and sun align with the center of the Milky Way galaxy (it happens only once every 26,000 years), it has to be a black hole that will suck us in sometime later today.
But wait! Maybe when that alignment occurs a wormhole will open up and those space aliens from the History Channel will invade us. Man! That would be like living in a science-fiction comic book!
Maybe Spock will appear on my doorstep and say, "Take me to your leader!" If that happens, should I send him to see President Obama or Honey Boo Boo?
The History Channel has got to hope the world ends today. If it doesn't, those guys will have nothing to show but reruns of Pawn Stars. They have made a living with this end-of-the-world stuff for the past five years.
What about poor old Nostradamus? If the world doesn't end today, no one will have faith in his predictions anymore. And that Mayan calendar will just get tossed in the trash.
I'm wondering if I should go down to the local diner and eat lunch. It might be dangerous on the highway if the asphalt starts getting sucked into a black hole.
Of course, if the world ends while I'm there, there's a cute little waitress down there that I wouldn't mind accompanying into oblivion. Just my luck, she would be off today.
I've been going inside and checking the TV for world-ending events, but nothing seems to be happening. You would think that there would at least be a run on the stock market just prior to the end of the world, but all seems calm.
Then again, two crashes in the past 11 years have pretty much sucked all the money from Wall Street. There's not much left for the black hole to get.
I just remembered that I am supposed to do television play-by-play at a high school basketball game tonight. I wonder if that has been postponed. After all, they call off school events for one flake of snow so you'd think they wouldn't want a gym full of people when the world ends.
I can see it now: a player shoots and the ball just keeps going upward into a black hole!
Something just occurred to me, when the black hole opens, what will be the order of those sucked in? Will the lawyers and politicians go first?
That might seem appropriate, but maybe not. If they were the first to go, the lawyers would all be waiting at the other end trying to sign up clients who would like to hold the black hole liable for property damage and the politicians would still be arguing over the fiscal cliff.
You know what? There might be two black holes, one going down for lawyers and politicians and one going up for regular people.
Suppose the world has already ended. Suppose the end to the old world occurred at midnight while we were sleeping and we have just been transported into a parallel universe. Maybe the old part of our lives was just a dream and now suddenly we have been thrust into reality!
Well, the day is slowly passing and nothing has happened yet. Maybe Nostradamus and the Mayans were wrong. Durn! Now I'm going to have to go out and buy Christmas presents.
But wait! Oh, no! I'm now at the diner and that cute little waitress has turned into an ugly old woman! My goodness! I am in a parallel universe!
You know what that means? The Earth's poles reversed while we were sleeping and today everything is backwards!
That's right! Today all the conservative Republicans woke up and discovered that they are now liberal Democrats!
You think the History Channel is in trouble! Fox News is gonna croak!
One last thing: If someone tries to sell you black hole insurance today, don't get sucked in.