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Is she still looking at us? Tug on your bodice rope if she's still looking at us. Anyway, guess who has two thumbs, a forehead scar and two tickets to Medieval Times? This guy!
PARAMOUNT PICTURES (HANSEL) FILM DISTRICT (PARKER)
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"HANSEL & GRETEL:
At the time of year when studios burn off the films not good enough for summer or holiday release, this violent tale of witch-hunting siblings is perfectly scheduled.
It's not terrible, with Jeremy Renner (Hansel) and Famke Janssen (a witch) having a bit of fun.
But as Gretel, Gemma Arterton is as wooden as the logs in the fireplace where the wicked witch gets pitched.
There's a bit of fun in the witch-hunting weapons and an entertaining good witch, but as many critics have pointed out, it's not a good sign when a big, rough-talking troll is your best character.
Rated R for strong fantasy horror violence and gore, brief sexuality/nudity and language. 88 min. [MC, PV, RA]
JASON STATHAM, JENNIFER LOPEZ, MICHAEL CHIKLIS
This reviewer likes Jason Statham because he's the quintessential action actor. He does nothing more--and nothing less--than what is needed to move a film from fight to chase to big finish.
He does that here, but this story of a double-crossed crook seeking revenge takes so long to unwind that it turns weak.
Jennifer Lopez, miscast as a real estate agent Statham uses in his quest for revenge, serves more as a distraction than a plus.
Although there is more blood and violence than necessary, Statham manages to earn the audience's attention, if not its full allegiance.
Rated R for strong violence, language throughout and brief sexual content/nudity. 118 min. [MC, RA, RF]
"MOVIE 43" (R)
DENNIS QUAID, HUGH JACKMAN, KATE WINSLET
Henceforth, all those caught shoplifting and kicking kitties will receive new punishment.
Instead of jail or stocks in the public square, they'll be forced to sit and watch this childish piddle of a movie.
Calling it first-grade humor would be an insult to first-graders.
If a man with testicles on his neck, a masturbating animated cat or parents terrorizing their home-schooled child in the name of an authentic high school experience make you giggle, this is your cup of tainted tea.
What it is: gross, crass, stupid--a massive waste of time and the money for a ticket.
What it isn't: creative, inspired, cutting-edge or the least bit funny.
It's as if the many talented people in this movie were instead kids in a first-grade class without a teacher. The kids all get a thrill out of saying bad words and being stupid.
This dud of a film violates both the senses and the sensibilities.
Rated R for strong pervasive crude and sexual content including dialogue, graphic nudity, language, violence and drug use. 90 min. [MC, PV, RA]
HOW WE RATE 'EM
H Don't waste your time.
HH Nothing special
HHHH A must-see